I call one of these rules ‘The Subaru Rule.’ The Subaru Rule is basically this – No one can ever look cool in a Subaru unless they are a Policeman or female.

Police look cool in a Subaru. No one else does. Fact.

Does it have a brush in the boot?

Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a particularly close relationship with my neighbour beyond pleasant chit chat over the fence or when she walks her dog past my house…but I know her and she knows me…and she doesn’t have riotous parties nor does she have eleventy million children or shouty animals. As far as I am concerned, I was quite happy with her as my next door neighbour. Now I have to get to know someone else all over again….but what qualities would I wish for?

Carol Kirkwood

Jenson Button

Mario Balotelli

Mario Balotelli, the Manchester City player, could comfortably be described as ‘eccentric’ and that’s the reason why he is on my list for next door. A bit of a gamble given his ‘indoor firework incident’ but his reputation for bonkers activities means life would not be dull. I am not a Manchester City supporter but my brother is so that would be ok. Again, unlikely to move in due to his budget for house purchasing being a tad higher up the scale than my street…but …..

     Jennifer Saunders…..intelligent…..funny….talented…beauiful…….unlikely to move into my street but what a lovely lady. She would be a fantastic person to live next door to. I can’t think of any drawback really…..

Jennifer Saunders

Guy Berryman, Coldplay

If I was being obvious I would have listed Chris Martin here, but I think Guy Berryman (the moody looking one from Coldplay) would be a better candidate for moving in next door. Chris Martin would have his Hollywood wife in tow and all the high maintenance stuff that would entail. Berryman striked me as a quieter option. Apart from when he is strumming on his guitar….but that could be excused. He would be another one for a trip to the pub.

Dara O'Briain

After watching BBC’s ‘Stargazing Live’ and ‘Mock the Week’…not to mention various appearances on ‘QI’, ‘Have I Got News For You’ and other panel game shows….the whit and intelligence of Mr O’Briain never fails to impress. He’s the kind of chap you could listen to for hours!! So I am sure he would be an asset to the street. Again, unlikely as the Irishman lives in London, but one can hope….

 So……does that give you an idea of the kind of person I want to move in? I could have carried on for another page, but one shouldn’t get carried away. What? Optimistic? Me?…….well……I can wish……..

Take Our Poll

Well I might be telling a little lie – an article in last Monday’s London Evening Standard about the Olympics did catch my eye. Not the front page feature forecasting a £1bn boost for the UK economy courtesy of the Olympic - although that would be welcomed by all I am sure (how much do they cost to host?) – but on pages 4 and 5…..under the headline “SAS will fly ‘Killer Egg’ helicopters across London to hunt terrorists.” …now how could anyone fail to stop and read that article?

http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/standard-olympics/article-24026392-sas-will-fly-killer-egg-helicopters-across-london-to-hunt-terrorists.do

On the various levels of sinister, the concept of a helicopter designed from an egg – and a killer egg at that – definitely sparks the imagination. Maybe the chickens that lay the killer eggs that the helicopters are made from, are fed on a particular kind of sinister ‘gunship growing’ grain so that when the egg plops out it immediately develops rotor blades and a guns. Imagine the savings the British Armed Forces could make against the £35 million cost of the Apache helicopter.

            I would certainly not want to mess with the chickens…..but could a military gunship helicopter ever look truly sinister with the British Lion Mark etched on the side denoting the helicopter has been produced to the highest standards of food safety? I’m sure Johnny Terrorist would nod approvingly before being blasted to smithereens by machine guns mounted on the front.

Having actually read the article, it would seem that those fine chaps from the SAS are negotiating to borrow some of these small, agile, military spec helicopters to be based strategically around the Capital during the Olympic games with the intention of rapid deployment of military personnel should a terrorist incident occur. The article is no doubt intended to put worried Londoners’ minds at rest – I am sure I am not the only one to be concerned that some dimwit idiot no-brain moron will try something on whilst the World’s eyes are on London. But you have to wonder where the SAS will base these things. Will some wealthy property owner in London find his back garden home to a sinister looking flying egg and some burly grunting SAS dudes? Having seen footage of where the London Air Ambulance manages to land, I guess the use of these helicopters makes absolute sense…if you watch this You Tube clip you will see what I mean…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUziTfKC3r0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eeqFl6wZHOs

The pilots of the London Air Ambulance have some balls to land in such small spaces….but if you factor in a terrorist attack, testosterone fuelled SAS guys and small military choppers ….. well, I would imagine the Killer Eggs would be highly effective.

During the documentary Vinnie Jones commented that the sports journalists are all, in his opinion, frustrated cricketers, footballers or F1 drivers…….and what do they know of the real pressures of being at the top of these sports. Well maybe we are all guilty of that.

Mental health is such an important matter for us all…. the stigma and discrimination against people who suffer from mental health problems can only go away if more people understand the issues. That’s why high-profile people such as Stephen Fry, Alistair Campbell and Freddie Flintoff who talk openly about their own experiences are so incredibly important. Read more here. http://time-to-change.org.uk/home

Freddie Flintoff - his BBC1 documentary impressed

On a different matter, today is officially my slob day after a busy few days away in London and the Cotswolds. It was a whistle-stop tour – but jolly good fun. And what impressed me was that I completed around 500 miles of driving – a significant proportion on motorways such as the M6, M42, M40 and M25 - and didn’t experience a single traffic jam or any road works. Fantastic!!! Equally intriguing was that the spider that lives behind the glass in my wing mirror stuck out the entire journey too. That is a well-travelled spider…..and I can bet there’ll be another f**king web being spun on that wing mirror as we speak. I bet he gets so cross when I clean his webs away.

On Monday morning I ventured across London from Chiswick to Tower Hill on the District Line as I wanted to visit the Design Museum. http://designmuseum.org/  I have been there a few times but as I hadn’t been to London for a few years I thought it would be a good time to return. What struck me as I walked across Tower Bridge to Shad Thames (where the Design Museum is located) was the huge erection taking shape across the water behind Boris’s offices. That wasn’t there when I came last!! After a little research and an appeal on Twitter it would appear to be ‘The Shard’…. http://the-shard.com/ …..when it’s completed it will stand at over 1000ft in height. Bold and dramatic? I should say so……

Where did that come from??

After an enjoyable look around the Design Museum it was time to hop on a boat to Westminster. The boat trip was a leisure cruise-type thing and commentary was provided on the short journey by a young chap who was hilarious. He sounded like he should have a barrow full of fruit and veg in front of him, mind, but credit to the lad – he pitched his banter just right and had the boat in stitches. Once I reached Westminster I started walking….and walking…and walking. I have driven around Central London a few times, but I don’t think I’ve ever just pottered about like this before. And it was good fun. The London Eye, Westminster Abbey, Houses of Parliament, Horse Guards, Downing Street, St James Park, The Mall, Buck Palace…..the whole tourist thing!

The tower containing 'Big Ben'......this isn't Big Ben.....no Sir

 The return trip on the Underground was fine. I had a seat on the outward and return journey. No overcrowding. It was fine. And to destroy myths again…..I witnessed tourists being helped by locals (whoever said Londoners aren’t helpful?) and I saw a binman giving his lunch to a homeless chap. So touching. Although maybe his Mrs had put too much Branston Pickle on his sandwiches.

Day two and I headed out to Mercedes World nr Weybridge in Surrey. Again, somewhere I have been to before but I find it a fascinating place. And I shall blog about that visit another time. Then I headed over to Windsor for a look about. What struck me about Windsor was that there is a Nandos on the high street just across from Windsor Castle. Do you think Queenie sends out for a Nandos?

My overnight stay was then near Oxford…in an attempt to break up the drive home. The weather was excellent – considering it was the start of January I knew I was lucky – and the scenery on my route across the Cotswolds was a great tonic. I decided to stop off at villages and towns – and my first was Chipping Norton.

Now, my first observation about this market town is that it was busy. Very busy. And that’s a good thing….but add in some American tourists and coaches and it must be bedlam in the summer. My second observation is the name. Chipping Norton. It just sounds a very bouncy upbeat kind of place. I like that. When I was pottering about the town I hit the smart phone and, despite a weak signal, I googled. And then I realised where I had heard of this spiffing town before. If I was to mention David Cameron, Rebekah Brooks, Matthew Freud and Elisabeth Murdoch (who actually live at Burford)…..they are known as The Chipping Norton Set……along with one Jeremy Clarkson…..would that ring any bells? http://www.independent.co.uk/news/media/press/rebekah-dave-and-the-chipping-norton-set-where-power-in-britain-lies-2309790.html

Alas, I soon departed Chipping Norton and headed (via Shipston and Chipping Camden) to Broadway.I had visited Broadway as a child (Broadway Tower adventure playground had a great big trampoline – such fun!) but a potter about soon brought back memories. It is such a beautiful place.  I love the yellow Cotswold Stone that makes the villages and towns around this area so individual and attractive.

The beauty of the yellow Cotswold stone always impresses

  As I was wondering about I saw a familiar face. Sue Barker. I didn’t speak to her – I worked on the basis that it would be crass to impose on her day (and what would you say anyway)…….but the briefest of brief looks and she knew what I was thinking….’she looks like Sue Barker’…..she gave a smile and walked on. Classy lady.

So as I drove Northwards listening to my music and reluctantly returning to my everyday world…..and finding no roadworks…and no traffic jams (even along the M6 in Birmingham)

I had to laugh as I got within 10miles of my house when it started to rain. And rain. And rain…… welcome home…..

Sue Barker

This afternoon I read the various newspaper accounts of the abuse suffered by Tom Adeyemi during the Liverpool FC / Oldham Athletic game last night …

http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2012/jan/07/tom-adeyemi-oldham-liverpool-abuse?newsfeed=true

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/16452241.stm

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2083403/Liverpool-racism-allegations-Police-probe-Tom-Adeyemi-breaks-tears.html

…and having seen the you tube clip of the incident too it makes you wonder what kind of behaviour some people think is acceptable.

Tom Adeyemi is a 20 year old English midfielder who is on loan to Oldham Athletic from Norwich. By all accounts, Adeyemi is a very intelligent lad and therefore the baffoons who have alledgedly hurled these racist insults are a number rungs further down the food chain in my humble opinion. One can only hope that the Police deal with the people responsible severely and Liverpool FC ban them from future games. That Adeyemi was visibly upset by the incident just makes matters worse…it should have been an exciting night for him…..I just hope he has some good people around him in the coming few days. Poor lad.

As a complete change of subject, I learnt last night that the BBC are cancelling the BBC2 show ‘Something for the Weekend’ which is presented by Timlovejoy, Louise Redknapp and Simon Rimmer.

http://www.broadcastnow.co.uk/news/broadcasters/bbc/bbc-axes-something-for-the-weekend/5036237.article

Something for the Weekend (SFTW) is broadcast on a Sunday morning on BBC2 while BBC1 broadcasts live topical discussion shows at the same time – which are basically one step up from Jeremy Kyle type programs…..although Suzanna Reid is clearly a class apart in terms of presenter. (Perhaps Jeremy Kyle is for the readers of red topped tabloids whereas the BBC1 Sunday morning discussion shows are more for Daily Mail readers?) But what I would don’t understand is why the BBC haven’t axed the BBC1 shows instead of the excellent SFTW…

I should explain that I frequently vegitate in front of SFTW on a Sunday morning – it has frequently been the cause of the ironing not being done or the kitchen not being cleaned. As a chat show/cookery program/general magazine show it comfortably accomodates the 20yr old – 50yr old age bracket…..I can imagine students watching it the morning after a night out…..couples watching it over breakfast…..parents who are up feeding their child while their partner sleeps….etc etc….it is basically comfortable Sunday morning television. Not highbrow. Not lowbrow. And they attract some decent guests who join the excellent Simon Rimmer in the kitchen. If the Saturday Kitchen is to survive, then why not Something for the Weekend?

I am not such a blinkered fan of the show that I wouldn’t acknowledge some of its failings – sometimes Lovejoy can appear bored or disinterested …… sometimes Louise Redknapp has her dizzy head on which attracts criticism online – but the show is broadcast live after all. Simon Rimmer has an excellent tv presence and deserves a show of his own….Wayne Collins, the cocktail guy, is equally brilliant. I have also thought that the show could transfer to a Sunday evening slot – with live music – as a way to ease people from the weekend to the start of a new working week. Maybe that could be the answer……

As I continue my role of official-sofa-bound-BBC-executive, I would like to effortlessly move from the medium of television to radio – and discuss the Christmas holiday radio stand ins. Or to be more precise the stand in for Chris Evans Breakfast Show on Radio 2. That would be Richard Madeley.

We all know Madeley from his years on ‘This Morning’ and the Channel Four early evening programs he presented for many years with the lovely Judy Finnegan. Richard Madeley is a quirky chap and harmless enough – maybe takes himself too seriously sometimes – maybe doesn’t realise when he is on the edge of becoming ‘bonkers’ sometimes ….he is a Marmite presenter without a doubt. I quite like Marmite. Marmite works quite well with toast for your breakfast. Madeley does not.

I have my clock-radio tuned in to Radio 2 and depending on my work pattern I either wake up to Mr Evans just after 7am…or start with Venessa Feltz at 6.20 and progress to Chris Evans as I have breakfast then start my commute.

I can forgive ‘There’s Nothing Quite Like Grandma’ as a musical faux pas by Mr Madeley in between Christmas and New Year. The phone in ‘Tell me about a time you brought someone back from the dead’ was a little too much at 6.30am. I came to the conclusion that Richard Madeley was sat in front of the microphone at the start of the two week stand in period and he just started rambling….they turned the microphone on for the appropriate periods he was due to broadcast….and he continued chatting to himself merrily for the rest of the two week period oblivious.

I know it’s easy to criticise and I couldn’t do the BBC Radio 2 Breakfast Show myself….which is why I don’t…..and I know Chris Evans has a huge, huge, huge amount of experience when it comes to entertaining at that time of the day…..but the BBC Radio 2 Breakfast Show is a hugely popular program. So why put it in the hands of someone who can’t do it? Even if it is for just two weeks…..

The answer is simple. Zoe Ball. End of. If that is too close to the talent of Mr Evans, and the format is to be truly rested over the Christmas period, then I would put Nicki Chapman in front of the microphone. Her style is perfect for the Christmas and New Year period. In fact I would put Chapman on permanently instead of Venessa Feltz – listening to Feltz is like listening to your Mother as you wake up. I would rather listen to the lovely tones of Ms Chapman.

So I have solved the Radio2 Christmas holiday stand-in problem. And I would suggest either moving SFTW to BBC1 on a Sunday morning or moving it to a Sunday evening on BBC2 – maybe after Top Gear – thus resolving another major issue. I should become a BBC Executive. Someone get me an application form……I would be so good….

Too many people make bold resolutions about going to the gym 3 times a week……about losing half their body weight or getting that new job that will triple their salary. All targets – whether work related or in our personal lives – have to be achievable. What would be the point otherwise?

The first thing you should do is stop and consider what went well in 2011. How was I blessed? If you made a list of twelve things that happened to you this year, would most of the list be the good things that happened or would they be all the bad things?

The traditional toast at New Year is for Health, wealth and happiness and health forms part of my New Year Resolutions this year. Don’t get me wrong, I do not have health issues….but it occurs to me that in order for that to continue there are tweaks that I need to make to my lifestyle. And rather than make stupid promises to myself about the gym I am going to use three key words – vegetables, walking and water….I want to eat more vegetables and reduce the amount of processed food eaten in the week……walking is a great way to exercise and I need to do more…..and water? Drink more….and less coffee!

In terms of happiness for 2012 I would recommend only watching the news so many times a week. There is too much doom and gloom being put out there in the newspapers and on the television ….. and to be honest you can begin to lose a slant on reality. Would it kill the news channels to include some positive stories? Where in the rule book does it say news has to be bad news? We all like happy upbeat people – and when times are hard we need more happy and upbeat people – so it’s important to stop and recognise when something has gone well, when something good has happened or when we have been blessed. However small the blessing is. If you take time to appreciate the good things in your day then your mood will be so much better….and your immediate world will be so much sunnier…metaphorically speaking. I can remember going on a training day at work and the subject of negative people came up -  it was suggested that we could do with an aerosol spray that repelled negative people to make our days so much better. Bring it on!! So I am going to remind myself through the year not to get bogged down in routine and take time to appreciate the positive and to break the routine.

….And break the routine is my third New Year Resolution. Do something different. I think we would all benefit from being pushed outside our comfort zones ….. in whatever form that takes. Routine can drag us all down too. So I shall be breaking my routine this year. Get me….

Finally – wealth. Hmm. Oh if it was only that simple. My theory is that if I stick to my resolutions this year I may see opportunities I haven’t before – to be open to different challenges. And if you set yourself goals you are more likely to achieve….

So good luck with whatever you set out to do this year. Let’s take note of the bad things happening in the world, consider what we can do to change them, but also appreciate the good stuff… open our eyes to opportunities and set out to love 2012. It’s going to be a great year. And this is only the second day…..

Today, during our first day back in work after Christmas, my colleague informed me about a 15 bedroomed property she had noticed that was situated in a more rural part of Lancashire – up near(ish) to Preston and Leyland. She thought we should buy it and become Lord and Lady of the manor instead of working as hard as had been today. This became subject of a little daydreaming on our part….purely as a way of getting through the day, of course…

Firstly I did point out that my manor house would ideally be in Cheshire….or Cumbria….or in Cornwall…or even by the Welsh coast…..but alas compromises have had to be made and our fantasy manor house was to be in Lancashire.

If we were to be true Lord and Lady of the Manor then we would need staff. This was easily resolved as several other members of our team were only too happy to join in the daydream, such was the crappy day we were having. So we soon recruited a Housekeeper, Cook, Butler, Gamekeeper and Farmer. Orders for waxed jackets and walking sticks were very nearly made.

Now, the true country gentleman and lady would own Range Rovers. And this is where one has to take care. One cannot drive a Range Rover Sport….as that would be too nouveau riche, and would be in poor taste. One would have to own a Range Rover Vogue…but about two or three years old. And there would have to be a couple of labrador or golden retrievers or red setters in the back. At a push a Jack Russell or beagle. Certainly not a labradoodle or a chiwawa. No, no, no….

The Lady of the Manor would probably have an older Mercedes estate. And the gamekeeper would have an old Land Rover Defender….

The staff would have quarters in the upper floor of the house and we, the Lord and Lady of the Manor, would have our own bathrooms and, quite frankly, probably separate bedrooms.

At Christmas we would have a huge real Christmas Tree in the hall way and drink mulled wine while the staff decorated the tree under our instruction.

But the fantasy soon came to a halt when our Team Manager had a sulk…because he didn’t like the role we had come up for him within the household staff. Boiler man. I mean….what’s his issue???

Oh the weather outside is frightful

But the fire is so delightful

And since we’ve no place to  go

Let It Snow! Let It Snow!  Let It Snow!

And snow it has today…..just to get us all in the Christmas mood as the countdown begins to ‘The Big Day.’ So have you bought all the presents and sent them to Lapland for Santa to deliver? I’m sure the Elves will whip up some gifts if required. And I would hope your tree is up by now. How about outdoor Christmas lights? Do they look chav-tastic?? or subtle and stylish white lights??

I pity the people who are hitting the shops this weekend – I bet it’ll be fraught out there – so if you are shopping be nice and smile!!! Look at your fellow shoppers with empathy and share the pain!!

Sleigh bells ring

Are you listening ?

In  the lane

Snow is glistening

A beautiful sight We’re happy tonight

Walking  in a winter wonderland
I have to admit I got a little excited when I saw it had been snowing this morning. As I lay in bed just after the alarm clock sounded I could hear cars driving along a wet road….so just assumed heavy rain…but there was actually quite a reasonable dusting of snow. Not to the levels of this time last year, but enough to stick for half the day.

I love the romance of a snow fall….a decent amount on the ground changes the acoustics of the neighbourhood and everything just sounds muffled and different. The garden also looks beautiful – from the warmth of inside at any rate!! Yes getting out and about is a slog – so maybe I should just say snow looks best from inside!!

Silent night! holy night!

All is calm all is bright

 round yon virgin mother and child

Holy infant so tender and mild

sleep in heavenly peace
Christmas and New Year is a time for reflection and for those who have experienced the loss of a loved one, it can be a difficult time…..we want to be with the people we love at Christmas and the pain of bereavement is acute and cruel at this time. But the memories of those who have gone before us will be ever stronger and, hard though it is, I guess we should feel warmth from this and remember the happy times. As we all get older, so life seems ever shorter, and we perhaps need Christmas time to stop and think about how lucky we actually are…and appreciate what we have. We are always so rushed and busy….we need to take time out and appreciate the moment.

Be near me, Lord Jesus, I ask thee to stay

Close by me for ever and love me, I pray

Bless all the dear children in Thy tender care

And take us to Heaven to live with Thee there…

However random today’s blog may seem to be…please indulge my reflective mood. Enjoy the countdown to Christmas. Don’t get too stressed. Remember it’s not just about the presents and the turkey…..

This is Britain. We do things in an understated and restraint manner. We reward talent with a pat on the back and a quiet ‘well done old boy’……we don’t whoop in an over excited way because some brat has learnt how to spell ‘cabbage’ or do a poo in their potty.

This is the basic fact that dearest ITV and Mr Cowell has not grasped. Yes, the X Factor had good viewing figures and it did work for a while, but the format is tired and frankly they need to kill it off before the show looks tragic and sad. Oh. Hold on…..

I remember reading a recent report about shopping trends in these financially difficult times. People are buying quality products in the hope that they will last longer and they will save money in the long-term. People are not wasting their money on flash brash products. Take the hint, ITV, people want quality.

If you put a band on the stage who can play instruments and sing…and who do not need ‘packaging’ or ‘moulding’ but have raw talent….then surely that’s better than creating a superficial plastic aesthetically pleasing band who are basically part of a cynical money-making machine that makes the public look like idiots? When Louis Walsh was on BBC’s Top Gear he was amused by Jeremy Clarkson’s surprise that he liked quality music. Walsh basically explained that his daytime job is about making money - not quality music.

Look at the car industry….Ford, Vauxhall, Toyota…..they realise that there is no point making executive cars because people look for quality. Why have a Ford Granada or a Vauxhall Omega when you can have a BMW 3 series or a BMW 5 series? Or an Audi? Toyota even created a luxury brand to get round this problem. People no longer aspired to a Ford Granada Ghia over a Ford Granada GL…..they wanted a BMW 325i…..dated examples but the principle is clear. X Factor is about creating a Ford Escort XR3i when the world is getting moist about an Audi S3…..

But what’s the point of getting cross…we all know that Cowell is sitting in his underground bunker in a large black leather executive chair, looking at a bank of tv monitors and stroking his white cat with one hand and his bank balance with the other, laughing to himself at the stupid public phoning premium telephone numbers to vote off whichever candidate has been on the least emotional journey, thus returning them to a life on the checkout at Tesco asking people for their sodding Clubcards.

But maybe I am taking it all too literally. Maybe it’s all about people having a laugh and just having a go. Perhaps the whooping from the crowd is just panto fun and everyone goes home with a warm glow inside safe in the knowledge that they have helped some disillusioned brat along their journey in live from their potty to becoming an international superstar. I’m sure Steve Brookstein and Shayne Ward would agree with that.

And maybe I’m just a cynical git.

Have a great evening xx

I feel like crying at the thought of giving a penny of my hard-earned cash to JLS or One Direction - I can only hope that my Niece will, one day, realise the brave compromises I have made in the interests of making her happy.

Let’s face it, the children who are in One Direction will no doubt spend the profits from their music (or my money) on sweets, comics and tissues. They are about 14 years old after all. But it would seem that the vile JLS have spent my money on new cars….

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2072245/JLS-unveil-super-expensive-fleet-sports-cars-BBC-Live-Lounge.html

Now apart from the irony that the band member called ‘Aston’ has bought an Audi, it seems rather brash to be posing about it such expensive cars. Surely they should all have nice sensible Ford Fiestas. I cannot imagine that little chap Aston could actually reach the pedals..

But what is a blessed relief is that my older Nephew now shares my tastes in music. He even borrowed by Coldplay CD to put onto his iPhone. Maybe this JLS/One Direction thing will be a ‘phase’…..