Hand jobs, Statistics and a rather cynical exercise….

Hand jobs are better than machines….

Part of my Sunday routine – if I have been to visit the Parents – is to stop off at the jet wash on the way home. I like the jet wash – you pay for time not a ‘program’ so if the car isn’t too dirty a quick clean can cost £2. If I tried harder I could probably do it for £1.50 but I would probably induce a heart attack and I would certainly swear a lot. This would not be a good look for passers-by to see. Unfortunately, what with the Parents been away on holiday and the rain we have had of late, my black car was filthy today and a £2 session was not going to do anything other than re-distribute the filth around the outside of the car.

When I arrived at the jet wash there was a small queue. A youth was washing his Citroen C4 and a Picasso was waiting behind him. On the basis that neither car would withstand a lengthy jet wash (being Citroens they would fall apart if blasted with water for too long) I joined the back of the queue. The Youth had alloy wheels on his car and these were clearly items he was proud of. However wiping them dry while two cars waited behind was a step too far so he qualified for one of my hard stares. These are beyond the hard stare that Paddington Bear used to do – in my mind my hard stare has added lasers and mind bending abilities. It worked. Next came the Picasso. I suspect Dad had been sent out with his small child on a kind of bonding mission to wash the car, what with it being Father’s Day and all. the small child eyed up the buttons, the water and the look of desperation on his Father’s face and decided that a mock gun shoot-out would be the best way to pass the time. Dad decided that a blatant lie would be the best way to deal with this situation by trying to suggest that ‘it’s time for home – just get back into the car’…..and then locking the car shut as he continued to wash his Citroen. Next it was me…

Imagine my joy when I noticed that the jet wash machine had been replaced with a brand new one. It had lovely new digital displays, lovely new buttons and lovely hoses that were not twisted and messed up as the last machine had been. If you have owned a black car you will know what a trial keeping it clean is… this jet wash produced lots of lovely foam that made the car look like a huge marsh mellow with hints of pink, blue and yellow……so much so that not a bit of black could be seen. The power wash rinsed the car a treat. Now I am home the car is drying and looks……..shite. The copious amounts of foam meant I could not see where my brush strokes had been…so I have a lovely black streaky car. Clean in bits. Filthy elsewhere. The morale of the tale? New shiny jet washes might be an efficient way to wash your car…..but sometimes you’re just better off paying £8 for the Iranians to do it by hand at the place down the road.

Hit me Baby…

Midway through this week my little blog had it’s 11,000th hit. I was so excited when I saw the stats. But what, I wonder, are people reading about? My most popular blog mentioned Emma Watson and included a lovely picture of her…..so she clearly has a huge following…..but I suspect most hits were by lone males. So if you are reading this alone, chaps, here’s one for you now…

   The second and third most popular subjects where Stephen Fry and David Cameron. Interesting. The fourth most popular was my blog about Chipping Norton…..which strikes me as a bit jolly random.

One of my favourite things is to look at some of the search engine entries that have brought people to my humble blog. I wish I had written some of them down from way back…..as they really made me laugh out loud. And I mean belly laughs. So I thought as a cynical exercise I would finish today’s blog with some hot topics to see how they effected my statistics and I shall let you know in due course how it works out.

So…….who would be better than current favourites One Direction? A bit of Wand Erection might work? So Stephen Fry, David Cameron, Emma Watson and One Direction attending a tea party in Chipping Norton. That could certainly work. Oh yes, and Prince Harry. Let’s include him. I wouldn’t wish to blow my credibility by putting anything about sex or nudity – that would be inappropriate. But let’s finish with a gratuitous picture to help.

   Have a great week 🙂

 

 

 

My review of ‘The Brits’, my solution to the Adele cock-up and is it time for the return of TFi Friday?

On a quiet, rainy, miserable Tuesday evening in February the thought of watching a couple of hours of live music on tv would seem an attractive proposition to most. This would explain why ITV bagged an audience share of 25% last night with around 6 million viewers tuning to watch James Corden introducing some of the UK’s top acts. http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2012/feb/22/brit-awards-tops-6-million-viewers?newsfeed=true

Based on these kind of viewing figures it begs the question why live music shows such as Top of the Pops or TFi Friday were ever axed……but more of that later. What most people were talking about was not the lovely Coldplay’s opening….nor Noel Gallagher’s keyboard player (Coldplay’s Chris Martin) ……but Adele and her acceptance speech cruelly cut short to enable Blur to perform three songs at the end of the show. (Blur had won the Outstanding Contribution Award – to cheese I think 😉 )  http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2104544/BRIT-Awards-2012-Adele-flips-bird-James-Corden-interrupts-speech.html

The award Adele was being presented with, when she was so rudely interrupted, was the ‘British Album of the Year.’ Regarded as the main award of The Brits, the British Album of the Year had been built up right through the ceremony with trailers shown for the nominated artists. George Michael had flown in especially to present the award. The way in which Adele’s acceptance speech was interrupted was quite unprofessional and could have been handled much better by merging Blur’s performance between the ITV1 and ITV2 broadcasts and allowing Adele longer to say her piece.

ITV’s response was ”The BRITs is a live event. Unfortunately the programme was over running and we had to move on. We would like to apologise to Adele for the interruption.’ If I was an ITV executive I would be contacting Adele’s people to arrange an hour-long ‘special’ presented by James Corden to be broadcast primetime – a Sunday evening would be an ideal slot. It’s the least they could do really.

So what else caught people’s attentions at The Brits? Well it would be safe to say that the winners of the ‘Best British Single’ – One Direction – came as a surprise to everyone. Puberty has a lot to answer for. As do push-over parents.

The lovely Ed Sheeran had a great evening – he seems a very genuine and talented chap – and I do hope he continues to enjoy many successes in the years to come.

The Brits was, generally speaking, a tastefully mainstream affair this year – there were no spectacular live performances or collaborations. Some even criticised the winners as being “stars of the ‘New Boring’….” with ballads and anthems performed by safe, polite artists. http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/music/news/niceness-rocks-ballads-take-centre-stage-at-the-brits-7282735.html

But maybe it’s the sign of the times. Maybe we do not have the passion for loud, angry lyrics from aggressive rock stars….. we need comfort and beautiful songs…..performed by polite artists. And the youth clearly need little boys – sorry – One Direction… and they are welcomed to them too. But I do wonder if the time is right to bring back TFi Friday……did Tuesday prove a passion is there for live music on tv?

http://youtu.be/mbzFqF4VyYY

Aside from the weak comedy bits, TFi Friday brilliantly presented live music and interviews broadcast twice on Friday nights on Channel Four from the Riverside Studios in London. (Well. When I say ‘live’ I mean pre-recorded after a couple of rude words uttered by Shaun Ryder and Ewan McGregor.)

The program ran from 1996 to 2000 with great viewing figures. Maybe the time is right to bring the format back….I mean apart from Jools Holland’s show on BBC2, which tv show showcases live acts in the same way? The only problem is who could front the show……Chris Evans owned the tv production company (Ginger Productions) behind TFi Friday but maybe he isn’t the right person to bring it back. I would say TFi Friday should be aimed at the older Radio 1 listeners and the younger Radio 2 listener age bracket.

I always felt that, towards the end of the TFi Friday run, they should have handed the show over to Zoe Ball as Chris Evans appeared to burn out. Zoe Ball would be an ideal main anchor, if the show was to return, with a couple of younger male side kicks to help along. I could see Wayne Collins (Cocktail guy from BBC2’s Something For The Weekend) playing a part too.

So, darling tv executuves, who would dare bring back quality Friday evening entertainment?

Channel 4's TFi Friday

The things you do as an Uncle…

When I first became an Uncle I realised that there were ‘Uncle-type-duties’ that one must undertake that would compromise one’s street-cred. But thank the Lord God Almighty for the advent of Amazon.co.uk come Christmas time and Birthday time ….. so I can order the JLS and One Direction CD’s online, safe in the knowledge they would be discreetly delivered to my home in an anonymous cardboard box…..and then I can quickly wrap them before any passer-by happens to look in and see them on my coffee table. Phew.

I feel like crying at the thought of giving a penny of my hard-earned cash to JLS or One Direction – I can only hope that my Niece will, one day, realise the brave compromises I have made in the interests of making her happy.

Let’s face it, the children who are in One Direction will no doubt spend the profits from their music (or my money) on sweets, comics and tissues. They are about 14 years old after all. But it would seem that the vile JLS have spent my money on new cars….

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2072245/JLS-unveil-super-expensive-fleet-sports-cars-BBC-Live-Lounge.html

Now apart from the irony that the band member called ‘Aston’ has bought an Audi, it seems rather brash to be posing about it such expensive cars. Surely they should all have nice sensible Ford Fiestas. I cannot imagine that little chap Aston could actually reach the pedals..

But what is a blessed relief is that my older Nephew now shares my tastes in music. He even borrowed by Coldplay CD to put onto his iPhone. Maybe this JLS/One Direction thing will be a ‘phase’…..

 

Cyclists – I love you all – I was one once – but why are so many of you so STUPID????

It’s been just over two weeks since my last blog, the nights are drawing in and we are less than a month away from Christmas. I have to say I do like Autumn and Winter – although it is hard work commuting to work and back in the dark …..and I kind of forget what my garden looks like midweek.

When I was a wee pup it was driven into us at home and at school about the dangers of cycling during the winter months. Indeed I wasn’t even allowed lights on my bike until I was 13 – if out at a friend’s house I would have to wheel my bike home.

At the time it was a right pain, but now all these years later as a driver I can understand why. I get so cross that people (note: not just kids – adults too) ride their bikes when it’s dark without lights  or a helmet and wearing dark clothing. It strikes me as the most stupid thing to do. If a cyclist gets knocked down the cost to an employer while the cyclist is off work…to me and you through the NHS….the cost of insurance…..the damage to someone’s education whilst off school (or cost to parent’s employer as the parent stays off work to care for child) – not to mention the emotional issues to both cyclist and driver afterwards – makes the ‘saving’ of a few pounds on the cost of bike lights seem quite ridiculous. And that’s assuming no one is killed.

But why do the Police seem to tolerate cyclists behaving like this? Why do cyclists not get fined for not using lights?? Surely it’s in everyone’s interest??

On my way home this evening (when it was dark) I stopped at a pedestrian crossing. Two boys were using the pedestrian crossing to cycle across from the pavement on one side to another. Neither had lights and both wore dark clothing. Idiots. Absolute idiots. Why do parents not deal with this???

If I win the lottery this weekend, I shall fund a safety campaign fronted by an influential footballer or pop group to spread the word to the kids. And I shall lobby the Police Authorities to crack down on cyclists who do not use lights. Now, who has the phone number for JLS or One Direction? I’d even use Olly Muirs…oh yes, and what are tonight’s lottery numbers???

 

A body clock fail and my X-Factor review

As I write this, the time is 7.30am GMT or – as my body clock clearly thinks – 8.30am BST. Yes, the clocks have gone back and that extra hour in bed I was looking forward to hasn’t happened because at 7am….*PING* I woke up. And couldn’t get back to sleep again. So instead I have ironed 6 work shirts, done a pile of washing up, put a load in the washing machine and made breakfast listening to BBC Radio 5 – whose Breakfast show presenters are clearly enjoying the fact they probably have their biggest Sunday morning audience of the year….as all the poor Parents of young children, all the fools like me who woke up and all the fools who forgot to change their clocks…are all making breakfast!!

Anyway, last night I watched X Factor for the 2nd week on the trot – quite voluntarily ….. and although I wouldn’t describe myself as a fan of the show, I would admit that along with the humorous comments people post on Twitter while the program is on, it can be entertaining. Everything is flawed, of course. The ‘judges’ are part panto characters, part popularity contest, part baffoons……and the contestants are an odd selection of people it has to be said.

My favourites? Well my top three are Tesco Mary – she is a real person and seems to have avoided the ‘fame’ drug so far..plus she can sing……then Matt with the Hat – he seems a decent chap and can sing a song….and in an indulgent third place I would say young Aiden. I know he’s an intense bloke and I wouldn’t like to bump into him on a dark night, but he is a real character and not in a fame hungry annoying tw*t kind of way. I don’t like the others really – that Wagner needs therapy, Wand Erection…or One Direction as they are officially known….are too young to sing most of the sings they attempt and I do worry they are missing school. Anyway, if you haven’t watched it, I would recommend Matt Edmondson’s online video resume of each week’s show. He’s an amusing chap, and quite frankly he would be a much more suitable candidate to front the Xtra-Factor on ITV2 than the car crash tv fronted by Konnie Huq……her appointment proves the round peg/square hole theory. Maybe they hope the audience will be too pissed by then to notice how bad it is.

http://xfactor.itv.com/2010/the-f-factor/watch_the-f-factor—week-3_item_400061.htm